It is my pleasure to welcome you to what has shaped up to be one of my most vulnerable endeavors. Let me start by saying that this website is not at all where I ever intended to be. This site is the result of my absolute insanity erupting to the surface in an attempt to save my life.
Not too long ago my life crumbled right before my eyes and not too far behind my mental health took a nosedive into Hell. The pain was unbearable. In truth, I haven’t survived as much as I have just existed for the last 3 years of heart beats and short breaths.
I never outright made the decision as much as I relented to the aching of my soul. I said “OK, this is it. I’m ready to let go now.”
Only… My particular brand of Crazy would not allow me to relent without first cleaning up the mess that my existence has been for those I was leaving behind, so as not to leave them with the trash I had made of the space I had occupied.
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with anxiety and depression. I’ve lived my whole life trying to fix myself, always believing that I am the biggest piece of shit to ever walk the face of the Earth, feeling as though I am deserving of every disrespect that came my way. Logically it makes zero sense. I’m far from the best, but I’m not the worst.
Regardless, here we are. And if you are still reading this let me speak plainly…
In the not-so-distant past I knew that I was going to take my own life. But…and it is a big but, I was not ready. And by ready, I mean I had too much to put in order first. For years I had suspected, joked even, about having OCD. Obsessive thoughts, ruminations, and compulsive behaviors have dominated my mind. Whether it’s accurate or not doesn’t matter. What does matter is that despite having devised a plan and making peace with my own end, a new string of thoughts started brewing.
Suddenly, the laundry that had been left to pile up needed washing, the house needed cleaning, the letters needed writing…The Letters. I had people in my world that deserved an explanation.
A storm of emotions and thoughts flooded my every waking moment. I wasn’t even close to ready. I had too much to do. I had too much to say.
I’m not done yet. In my attempts to organize the end of the life I had been living, I somehow found a new beginning, and I gave in to the obsessions, I relented to all the ruminations, I allowed myself to succumb to every ache, and I welcomed every drop of pain.
It turns out what I had spent my life trying to control would be exactly what would save my life. Restraint be damned. If the pain commanded my attention, then by God my attention will be given.
Giving in to my disfunction has been what has kept me Earth side. I recognize this is not the case for many, but it has given me hope and hope is what I have needed. If you are lost or struggling and feel like you have no fight left, I’m here to tell you that Yes, yes you do. And if hope is what you are missing, let me give you some of mine. You are worth fighting for.
I invite you to follow my dissent into madness. Share your thoughts, your feelings, your harsh words. I promise whatever you have to say, you can’t possibly hate me any more than I have spent my own life hating myself.
I’m beyond it now.
So Fuck it, Let’s Go.
I’m glad you are here. You matter so much more than you know.
I love you already,
Betty
P.S.
I’ll leave you with a little Pink Love, Listen and Love Yourself.
